TO-GET-HER
By Advocate Aileen
S. Marques
“If
you would marry suitably, marry your equal”… Anonymous.
Coming together is
the first step to a marriage. Finding that one person, who you want
to grow old with, can be quite a challenge. Thanks to social media-
facebook, twitter, whatsapp… the challenge is a bit simplified.
We live in an age
where many women are educated, employed and are financially
independent. And yet when it is the time for look for a suitable
groom or to meet the suitable groom, she is cowed down to behave like
a shy, tamed female.
For marriage, coming
together happens in various ways;
- Falling in love (school, college, workplace, church, socials)
- Arrangements made/ proposals bought (by friends, relatives, neighbours, matchmakers)
- Self-search for a partner (shaadi.com, matrimonial ads etc.)
It is difficult to
zero in on one and say “this will make a perfect or successful
marriage”. As a lawyer, if I have to recommend one of these ways to
find a partner, I’d say whichever way you employ to find a partner,
make an informed decision.
A person may appear to be your “perfect match” on a social networking site but be alert, it may be a façade and in real life the person may not be anything similar.
You may be in love
with a person and may have courted him/her for years at end but it is
when you start living under the same roof that adjustment problems
crop up. So it is important to know the person and see the person
through all circumstances. Finally when you marry, it’s not just
the 2 hours in a day that you two will spend together, but it is
24x7.
If you opt for a
proposal marriage, quite many facts about the person are known when
biodatas are exchanged. Wait!! Don’t hurry. Know the person.
Knowing the person
is the key to a successful relationship- be it friendship or
marriage. Get to know the person, their likes, dislikes, their
dreams, their talents, their successes, their weakness, their
shortcomings etc. etc. Get to know the qualifications of the person,
browse through their place of employment, critically evaluate their
facebook profiles, understand the types of friends they have. Know
and learn!! That is your responsibility.
Once you have known
the person, the next step in knowing the family. Understand the
dynamics of the relationship in the family. Analyze who is the boss
and who takes decisions. Observe who controls your spouse and if that
control is positive.
In many cases of
domestic violence and divorce, the husband or the wife do not come
alone to seek advice. They are accompanied by their families. Even
when we see the court scenario, the couple seeking divorce is
accompanied generally by some member of the family. This goes to show
that the family plays a vital role in strengthening/ breaking marital
relationships.
There have been many
cases where the qualifications, family background, income, assets,
liabilities etc are misrepresented. Still many cases where homosexual
persons are misrepresented as heterosexuals. Many more cases come to
light where the boy/girl cannot take independent decisions and depend
on their family to even decide small petty things.
“Two souls with
but a single thought, Two hearts that beat as one” adorns many-a
wedding invitation and it is when you come together that you must
discern if this soul shares a single thought with your soul and if
this heart is eligible to beat as one with your heart.
To-get-her/him is an
important step in a marriage and when you search for him/her search
for your equal. Don’t look for someone who is wealthy and aspire to
get rich by his/her wealth. Don’t look for a girl whose father
promises a crorepati
dowry. Don’t look for a spouse who can fulfill your material
desires. Don’t seek a perfect partner. Don’t marry for beauty, it
will fade away. Don’t marry for lust, it is short-lived. Don’t
marry because you are forced to marry, it’s not a marriage then..
it is slavery. Don’t marry because your parents say marry, it is
forced consent. Don’t marry because it’s a social norm to be
married, you might find it suffocating.
Marry because you
want to be married. Choose to marry and don’t get carried away.
Marry the one who loves you, respects you and is open to share life
and responsibility with you. Marry the one who you love, respect and
want to share life with. Marry suitably by marrying your equal!!
